Anxiety, depression, weight issues, drug use, the list of childhood problems is long and those afflicted are many. As parents when we strive to help our kids with these issues, we would do well to start with examining ourselves. We want to be the best parent possible for our kids, but sometimes without knowing it we are providing the fuel for the fire.

Do you strive to be the perfect mom? We want the best for our kids, and so becoming the perfect mom seems like the ideal. Yet perfectionism is an illusion that is extremely damaging, especially in parenting.

Why is Perfectionism so Damaging?

Perfectionism robs us and our kids in many ways. When we set unrealistic standards for ourselves, we rob ourselves of the joy of being who we really are. Our kids are robbed of our self-confident, happy, unique self. Even worse, they are likely to get a grumpy, miserable mom, all because we have innocently set our sights too high. Many of our worst battles as moms, such as anxiety and depression are fueled by perfectionism.

It may come as no surprise to learn that I know about this from first-hand experience. I was raised by two wonderful, but neglectful parents. I left childhood with the subconscious belief that if only I could be perfect, all the things I had longed for would come to me. Yet the cruel irony is that perfectionism drove away the very love and happiness that it promised me.

What is Perfectionism?

Dictionary definitions of perfectionism include:

the uncompromising pursuit of perfection.

the belief that moral or religious perfection is attainable.

The first definition highlights one of the huge reasons that perfectionism is so damaging to parenting. Perfectionistic moms have a harshness about them that is the anti-thesis of the loving mom that we want to be. Parents need to compromise a lot while children are young and learning. Standards are one thing, but without compromise, standards are cold and harsh.

The second definition deals with striving to be morally perfect. Yet moral perfection is also not attainable. Ironically, we all recognize many who seek moral perfection and become hard and righteous instead of compassionate and loving. Moral perfection is a trap, another unattainable goal that sets us up for failure.

Although many of us may picture a perfectionist as a mom with it all together, most moms who suffer from perfectionism don’t identify with this picture. In fact, many perfectionists who are mothers don’t think they are successful enough to qualify! I can relate because when I first had kids my perfectionism was so severe that I struggled to cope, let alone come anywhere near my impossible standards.

Perfectionism is a cruel, internal boss. Full-blown perfectionists are so harsh on themselves that they often are unable to achieve even the goals that are within reach. Instead of building upon what they are doing they berate themselves for all that they haven’t done. This self-flagellation means that the energy required to do the work is wasted on the internal battle.

What are some common traits in moms who are perfectionists?

Unrealistic expectations

Driven

Harsh

Brittle

Unapproachable

Judgmental

Unhappy

Depressed

Anxious

Panic attacks

Weight issues

Procrastination

Isolated

Lacking passion for or a connection with her unique gifts

Never satisfied.

What are some of the results for her children?

Enormous pressure to be perfect, which her kids intuitively know they can’t achieve.

Low self-esteem which can manifest through overeating, anorexia, poor grades, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, drug use, promiscuity and a myriad of other childhood issues.

Feeling only conditional love.

Many of us became perfectionists either as a coping mechanism as a child, or because our parents were perfectionists. I know from experience that becoming gentler on yourself and your family is a hugely healing journey. Perfectionism gives us the illusion of control and the illusion of a chance to be loved and to be happy. A healthier aim to accept and love ourselves and our families gives us the real chance to feel love, be happy and ironically have more control over our lives.

Author: Jacqueline Green

If you are struggling with parenting issues, I’ve been there too and I know it isn’t any fun. One of the keys to great parenting is information and support. To get both, join my parenting community on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/GreatParentingPractices, or go to my website http://www.GreatParentingPractices.com Leave a comment or start a discussion!

To great parenting!

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